Criticism obviously welcomed.
The rain was unrelenting. It poured, and poured, and poured. So much that she thought that maybe, just maybe, all she had to do was lie in the grass and let the rain swallow her whole. Fill her lungs up with water. Choke to death, drown. Suicide by mass rainfall. But she knew that would never work, she knew what she had to do. The swing she sat on squeaked as she rocked back and forth, pushing herself into a gentle, rhythmic motion. Tears fell from soft green eyes, mingling with the raindrops brushing her cheeks. She hated to cry, but thinking back on what brought her here, she really couldn't help it. Yes, she knew exactly what she had to do.
I tried not to remember it for a long time. The day that has forever changed the way I think. The way I feel about.. about everything. About my body, and my life. About how to walk, talk, act, think, see. The day the world became shades of black and I was separated by secrets, surrounding me in the form of a prison I could not break out of. I cannot break out of.
I was at school. I tended to get to school early because I have trouble sleeping, but this morning was particularly difficult and so I came to school even earlier than normal. You would think no one would be there... but... Well, I was wrong.
Everything seemed so ordinary. I was doing what I always do when no one else was really there. I had chosen one of the cleaner benches and laid down on it, staring into the sky. Just letting myself think and relax. Kind of a meditation thing before I had to go through class after class of mediocre teachers teaching useless subjects. Highschool was supposed to be better. My freshmen year was supposed to provide new experiences. I was supposed to learn things about the world, life, and everyone around me. I guess I got my wish, in a way. People seem to underestimate what things the adolescent teenage mind can hold in it, but they have no idea.
I had to close my eyes as the sun rose higher above the school. It was, surprisingly, cloudless outside and the sun seemed ten times brighter than normal. When you close your eyes on a sunny day, a distinct shade of red fills the usual darkness. So, I knew the moment someone was standing over me because the red instantly became black and I couldn't breathe. I opened my eyes to an unfamiliar face that would be etched into my mind for the rest of my life. There were no words. I didn't hear his voice then. Just movement. Before I knew it, his hands were... everywhere. I know I screamed at him... "Go! Leave me the hell alone!" I remember screaming. Before I even knew what was going on, my skirt was up and underwear were down and then the most excruciating pain I've ever felt. I tried to block it out. I remember saying no, no, no. For a long time even after he had gone. I remember him leaving, laughing. I remember that fucking laugh. Like it was a damn game and he took nothing from me. I blanked out after that. The first thing I remember is looking at myself in the mirror of the school bathroom, and wondering where my reflection had gone.
By now she could no longer hold herself up on the swing, so she sat, limp, in the grass. The pain of the memory came full force into her head, and a loud sob escaped from within the very depths of her soul. She was crying so hard now it was choking her, and she laid face first in the grass, gasping for air, and then she was laughing. "And to think, I thought I would grow up to be a fucking doctor." Then she fell silent, lying down on her back, and thinking, hadn't she already grown up? Wasn't she already almost there? Here she was, seventeen, almost legally an adult and still thinking about what she would have been like when she grew up. Part of her didn't even care anymore.
[ there's more on my personal journal. friend me and you can read the rest. = ) ]