Alexi, it has been far too long since I have tried to write you.
Twenty five months exactly have passed since I ran my fingers
along the roughed edges of the notebook I am holding to my chest
transforming me into a quivering child, cowering at your feet.
My graying sage sang to me in broken phrases from the
reminiscence of the stroke which shattered his speech and now visits me
even past the grave in which you placed him; slicing cleanly, bottom to top
with the steel blade you had been hiding that night.
He stood firmly in the midst of your eleven hundred followers;
the sinful, destroyed masses who looked to you for comfort
all stood round as they saw their master, maker and magician
turn swiftly from Saviour to Satan in wild fury and madness
When I come to you now, it is only in our minds as
you well know by now, Alexi. I wander past the dampened
forests and tattered streams from which we washed ourselves up as
small children, even then knowing the strength within your being.
Your daughter murders on your behalf and has built for herself
a new countenance in the image of you, shrouded in the darkness and
lining herself in pride for you, the man who raped her own mother.
I can still feel the weight of that moment, as the image stands fast in my mind.
In the desperate deliciousness of these hours without you
there still stands a longing for the innocence we used to pretend to own for
ourselves. Glimmering fantasies of what life might hold in its pockets
for us, we simmered in the heat of those summer nights.
Now row after row of the soldiers you have fashioned for yourself are marching
aimlessly through the dustings of this fruitless decade.
Wandering with falsified hopes, clinging to bejeweled idols
they have built themselves in your honor, praying for deliverance.
And thought I still dream of you in the deep folds of my darkest nightmares
I am never closer to full ownership of this deeply embedded hatred
fueled by the truest form of love I have felt for you since our birth.
I now sing myself to sleep with words I have prayed I could send you